Setting Boundaries: How to Protect Your Mental Health This Holiday Season

The holidays have rolled around again. It's time to scurry to parties, brave holiday sales to find the perfect gift, book travel arrangements, reunite with family members, and generally feel stressed out. 

Anthropologists have confirmed that rituals and holidays help our species feel grounded. Holiday rituals repeat every year, making our chaotic world feel more predictable.

Nevertheless, despite the passion and the pageantry, holidays can be stressful. In fact, three out of five women and men in the United States find the holidays stressful. According to a NAMI survey, 64% of those with mental illness report that the holidays make them feel worse.

Holidays knock us out of our normal routines. They also come with a great many expectations and interactions that push us to our limits, creating anxiety. Common stressors associated with holidays include:

• Financial pressure 
• Family gatherings
• High expectations for a perfect holiday
• Travel
• Extra work obligations

At The Soho Center for Mental Health Counseling, we’ve seen and experienced for ourselves that holidays can bring extra stress into our lives. One way to manage stress is to set clear boundaries so that you can maintain your equilibrium no matter the family, work, or interpersonal dynamics.

How can you set boundaries to protect your mental health this holiday season? The following are a few helpful tips.

Identify potential stressors 

Before you step on a plane, dress up for a holiday party, or appear at a doorstep bearing gifts, take a moment for yourself. Remember prior holidays and who or what stressed you out.

Stressors could include family members, friends, or colleagues who trigger feelings of anger, resentment, fear, or sadness. They could also be situations, such as holiday parties filled with alcohol or tempting foods that could derail your commitment to your health. Or, they may be related to loss and grief, if important people have left your life through death or divorce.

Once you’ve identified potential stressors, think about what might make them less stressful. Although you can’t change other people, you can change the way you react to them and what kinds of requests you can make of them.

Set limits with others

Family dynamics can be the most difficult to address. You have a long history with family members, which may include behaviors that aren’t in your best interest. If you historically find yourself agreeing to tasks or activities that you don’t want to do, make that clear to others. 

Tell your mom that you can’t cook the holiday dinner. Ask your brother not to bring alcohol to your party. Don’t expect your loved ones to anticipate your needs or to read your mind. Be clear about what you expect from them, as well as what you’re willing to do or not do.

Expect some push back. Humans are creatures of habit and don’t like to be challenged, especially during the holidays. If they question your limits, explain it in “I” terms, such as “I don’t feel comfortable with alcohol in the house because I’ve worked so hard to break my addiction to it.”

Set limits with yourself

You can’t control other people, but you can control your own behavior. Prioritize your physical and mental health, no matter what holiday madness swirls around you. This may include:

• Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day
• Finding appealing nonalcoholic beverages 
• Deciding to eat protein and vegetables before treats
• Sticking to a holiday budget

If you find yourself bowing to social pressures — whether it’s to heap your plate with goodies, dip into the alcoholic punch, or outdo everyone by giving the most lavish gifts — ask yourself why. Take a breather before you break the limits you’ve set. Even a few seconds of deep breathing may set you back on track and help you connect with your deeper needs.

Write your boundaries down

Once you decide what your boundaries will be for this holiday season, write them down. This list may be informed by the important work you’ve done on yourself, such as managing your anxiety, or recovering from substance abuse or an eating disorder.

Ideally, write your list by hand. Studies show that the brain is more electrically active when you write by hand. Writing by hand also stimulates your visual system, so that you can actually see your limits in action. 

And, of course, feel free to reach out for extra help before, during or after the holidays. We offer both family therapy and individual psychotherapy.

Set up an appointment for stress and anxiety support by phoning or scheduling an online appointment with our helpful office staff at our Greenwich Village offices in New York City, New York. You can also choose HIPAA-compliant teletherapy sessions.