Partner Won't Do Couples Counseling? Here's Why Counseling Can Still Help

It’s just another example of how things are going south in your relationship with your significant other. You think the two of you would benefit from couples counseling. They disagree. Strongly.

That isn’t uncommon. It usually takes about six years before a couple agrees to go into therapy together. Maybe your partner thinks the two of you should be able to solve your problems on your own; unfortunately, only about 30% of problems in relationships resolve without intervention. 

When your partner refuses the couples counseling you believe you both need, you don't have to despair or give up on your future together. Seeking psychotherapy or other forms of counseling, such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), for yourself helps you deal with friction in your relationship and can even improve it. 

At The Soho Center for Mental Health Counseling, our caring and supportive counselors offer therapy for couples and individuals. During your consultation, we help you find the right type of counseling for your needs right now.

How can you be a better partner in a couple if you’re in therapy by yourself? The following helps you understand the benefits of individual counseling when your partner won’t participate.

Communication improves relationships

One of the skills you learn by undergoing therapies such as CBT is to reframe your own thoughts and ways of reacting to the world. You learn to understand your thought processes better and to communicate your needs more clearly without blame or anger.

In CBT, you learn to frame statements about your feelings with “I” as the subject instead of “you.” In other words, you discuss your feelings, but you don’t hold the other person responsible. “I’m not comfortable with what you just said” is a less threatening or blaming statement than “You shouldn’t talk to me like that!”

Once you learn how to communicate more effectively, you may find that your partner communicates more effectively, too. Learning how to actively listen — without blame — is a skill that brings greater depth to all of your relationships, including that with your partner.

Therapy takes the burden off

If you’ve struggled with your relationship for a while, your life as a couple may be burdened with unmet needs. The two of you may have difficulty finding time to be playful and gentle with each other, because you’re so focused on “fixing” what’s wrong.

When you’re in therapy, your focus shifts from the other person (i.e., the one who’s “giving you all the problems”) to yourself. Though you may still have issues in your relationship, your primary focus is on your feelings and thoughts, learning how to manage those better, and improving your communication skills.

You may be able to view your relationship more objectively and step outside the daily frictions. When you’re focused on yourself and the goals you have, you have more mental “free” time to invest in your partner in non-threatening, nonjudgmental ways so that you enjoy your time together more.

All’s not lost

Just because your partner doesn’t want to participate in couples counseling doesn’t mean they never will. When you switch your focus from your partner to yourself, you’re better able to hear what they’re trying to tell you.

Eventually, you may learn that their objections to therapy are due to unexpected reasons, such as the fear of being judged. They may also erroneously believe that couples therapy will drag on forever, making them feel like the relationship is doomed.

Couples therapy, however, tends to be short-term only. You may focus on one or two issues, or just focus on improving communication. 

You and your partner might even think of couples counseling as “coaching,” rather than therapy. You’re trying to make your relationship as strong and fulfilling as it can be. That may be a more appealing goal to your partner because it starts with the premise that the relationship is good, not broken.

You don’t have to wait for your partner before you can improve your relationship — and other aspects of your life, too. Contact us about individual or couples counseling today by phoning or scheduling an online appointment with our helpful office staff at our Greenwich Village offices in New York City, New York. 

We also offer HIPAA-compliant teletherapy sessions for your convenience.