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All around you, everyone is all smiles and holiday glow. The cheery songs of your childhood, the bustle, and even the snow only remind you of what you’ve lost. How can you manage your grief in the midst of your family’s and friends’ constant joy?
If you’ve lost a parent, a child, a friend, a pet, or even a relationship or job, you may be in the middle of an intense grieving process. Now your loss is compounded by the holiday season, when everyone expects you to be happy or at least to put on a good front.
When you’re in the middle of grief, however, the holidays can magnify the loss. If you lost a parent, you may mourn the loss of your childhood, too. If you lost a child, then the entire holiday season seems tainted. If you lost a job, the financial stress that 64% of women and men in the United States experience during this buying season is magnified.
At The Soho Center for Mental Health Counseling, we understand that you may feel like burying your grief during the holidays, just so you can “get along.” Or, you may choose to forego holiday cheer altogether.
Grieving during the holidays brings extra challenges. That’s why you may benefit from in-person counseling at our Greenwich Village offices in New York City, New York, or via convenient teletherapy to help you process your grief while those around you celebrate.
1. You get to express your true feelings, fully
If you’re surrounded by friends, family, and colleagues who expect you to get into the holiday swing, you may feel tempted to suppress the way you really feel. Maybe you’ve even had a public breakdown or two, and were chided or told to “get over it.”
With your therapist, you don’t have to put on a front. You express your full range of emotions, no matter how unpleasant or even scary they may be to your friends and family, who aren’t grieving with you. You can express your anger, your rage, your confusion, and your deep sadness.
2. Your therapist helps you to reframe
Expression is only part of grief counseling. Another step is learning to reframe your loss in ways that feel more manageable to you. Rather than “getting over” your grief, you learn to nourish yourself with memories of your lost loved one.
By talking about your loss, you can activate memories of that person or that time and identify some of the attributes that felt so comforting and safe to you. Gradually, you find ways to incorporate those memories into your present holiday celebrations.
Or, if the loss involves complicated feelings, your therapist helps you with those, too. Maybe your parent was abusive to you. Part of you may even be glad that they’re gone, yet you still miss them. Your counselor helps you form a new relationship with that complex person, so that you can move forward from your past.
3. Your therapist helps you set boundaries
If you’re headed home for the holidays, you may find yourself entangled in complicated relationships and expectations that are only magnified by your grief. Your therapist encourages you to talk about your fears or dreads ahead of time, so you can devise a reaction plan.
Based on your past experiences with certain people, you may anticipate the kinds of things they could say that would trigger you. You and your therapist find responses that make your boundaries clear, without overstepping their own boundaries.
If you’d rather skip the holiday traditions and start a new one of your own, your therapist can help you do that, too. In some cases, you may not have a choice: If you used to gather at your parents’ house or celebrated with your ex, it’s time to find a new space and new traditions to help you move on from your loss.
4. Your therapist gives you permission
When there are so many expectations from those around you about how you should act during the holidays and how long it’s appropriate to grieve, your counselor creates a safe place for you to just “be.” They also help you integrate your grief into your life.
Gradually, grief loses its prominence, although you never stop missing your loved one. You might even start a private ritual, such as a prayer, candle-lighting, or a note to your lost loved one to help you incorporate your new relationship with them as you move forward into the new year and beyond.
Take care of yourself and your grief this holiday season by phoning or scheduling an online appointment with our helpful office staff. You might also choose convenient, HIPAA-compliant teletherapy sessions.